The Contribution of British Entrepreneurs to the Industrial Revolution on the European Continent
Korean Minjok Leadership Academy
Table of Contents
Sept. 5th 2011
Mar. 2nd 2011
Feb. 23th 2011
Dec. 23th 2010
Sept. 5th 2011 .
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(1) The Contribution of British Entrepreneurs to the Industrial Revolution on the European Continent
better : .. to the Spread of the Industrial Revolution to the European Continent
(2) French Spread of Industrial Revolution The Spread of the Industrial Revolution in France; similarly IV.2.4, IV.3.3
(the Low Countries), IV.4.3, IV.5.4 (The Spread)
(3) VII. Note => Notes
(4) Although the exact reasons why Great Britain was the first country to experience industrial revolution in Europe are not clearly defined, 18th century was certainly a period of industrialization for Great Britain.
(a) first half of the sentence and second half of the sentence do not have the logical connection the reader expects :
when you open this sentence with although, the reader expects, in the sentence's second half, an answer to the question
why GB was the first country in Europe to experience the Industrial Revolution
(b) the Industrial Revolution, .. the 18th century
(c) the term "Industrial Revolution" is a name and has to be capitalized; do so systematically throughout your paper.
(5) However, Great Britain was not the only country which experienced industrial revolution. Several other countries in Continental Europe also experienced industrial revolution slightly after the industrial revolution in Great Britain.
In the first 4 sentences you used the term industrial revolution 4 times. Frequent repetition of the same term indicates
that you have a limited vocabulary. Rephrase.
(6) However, studies about this subject: the contribution of British entrepreneurs to the industrial revolution on the European continent, have not been done much. better : Few studies on the contribution of British entrepreneurs to the propgress of the Industrial Revolution on the European continent
have been published.
Question : how thorough have your bibliographical studies been ? Do you know at least the titles of the leading magazines on
economic history ? Did you search google scholar with respective keywords ? Did your search include publications in languages other than English ?
This sentence implies that you did such thorough research and came up with a blank answer.
Expect your readers to be experts; don't have them call your bluff.
(7) Therefore, this paper would focus on how the British entrepreneurs
I assume you wrote the intriduction before you wrote body and conclusion. Because you describe the focus of your paper as possible future.
Better : This paper focusses on ... Rephrase all "would"s in your introduction
(8) Basic terminologies => Basic terms (terminology has no plural)
(9) Also while entrepreneurs are defined as people who have possession of a new enterprise, venture or idea and are accountable for the inherent risks and outcome of a product, it must also be noted that several engineers also had a significant role and must not be overlooked.
As you phrase this sentence, you imply that at least some engineers should be regarded entrepreneurs; is that what you mean to say ?
(10) The areas that would be discussed in this paper include France, Germany, Low Countries, Central Europe and Northern Europe.
While the Low Countries and Northern Europe by and large are commonly understood, Central Europe is a term which requires a definition.
I would include Germany, but then you list it as a separate category, so I assume you mean Austria-Hungary and perhaps Switzerland.
In the period you cover, one may be justified to include the Austrian half of Austria-Hungary in 'Germany'. Rephrase "would".
Define Germany, Central Europe, and Northern Europe (as including Finland, if you use the example of that factory in Tampere).
(11) . Continental Spread of Industrial Revolution => Spread of the IR on the European Continent
(12) Industrialization in continental Europe was slower compared to Britain. Some scholars attribute this to wars and civil disturbance which led to shortage of capital in continental Europe. There are a bunch of other reasons you fail to mention here. Either, you express explicitly
your list of reasons to be incomplete : Among the reasons given in academic literature on the issue, some scholars have ... . Or : fulfil the
expectations of your readers implicitly created by you and give a more complete list.
(13) Others do not accept this generalization and asserts that there existed different reasons for each country.
(a) Here I get the impression that by the preceding statement you fooled yourself into believing this to have been a complete list. If author a
gives wars on the continent to be a reason for delayed industrialization, that does not necessarily mean he excludes all other possible causes.
Double check and/or rephrase.
(b) Others = plural, asserts = singular. assert
(14) According to them, existence of large number of virtually sovereign states was to blame for Germany. While in France, shortage of coal and other raw materials and rigid bureaucracy were to blame. (5) (a) the existence.
(b) Out of my hat I can pull further reasons for that delay : late emanmcipation of the serfs for both France and Germany, and an underdeveloped system of protecting inventions through patents.
(c) you may want to argue in the order of France before Germany, as you chose that order for your paper.
(15) Those ways include government policies, industrial spies, and so on.
(a) replace industrial spies by industrial espionage.
(b) This sentence implies you discussing policies implemented by the governments of countries on the cointinent in order to promote industrial
development. If so, here you fail to mention the effort undertaken by the Zollverein : creating a customs union in Germany, standardization of
currencies, measurements, harmonization of economic policies, protecting their domestic markets by import tarriffs ..
(16) This paper would discuss one of those particular ways which is spread of knowledge through British entrepreneurs.
As you here discuss Britain and Europe, you better specify : .. through British entrepreneurs who emigrated to the continent. In today's world it could refer to entrepreneurs continuing to live in Britain, opening up additional factories abroad.
(17) IV.1.1 : the industrialization, the Flying Shuttle. You often disregard articles; from here onward I will no longer list such cases. Check for yourself.
(18) especially the flying shuttle, in Normandy. His job was essential in establishing the textile industry in France.
John Holker reached France in 1750 due to religious problems. The Jacobite rising in 1745 has affected him because he was a Catholic and a Jacobite. (8) Holker settled in Rouen and developed the textile industry there. As Rouen is located in Normandy, this statement appears somewhat contradictory.
Also : "textile industry" does not exclusively refer to industrial production, but includes the production using manual labor as well, and such a
textile industry certainly has existed in Normandy prior to the 19th century. So "mechanized textile indsustry".
(19) He was not only an entrepreneur but also one of the world¡¯s first industrial espionage agents.
For such a strong statement, your reader will expect stronger evidence/support. Give a reference.
(20) Although little is known about his early life, Aaron Manby was an entrepreneur specialized in iron. be more specific; he could be a merchant selling iron, an entrepreneur producing irons for ironing shirts etc. Or : skip that sentence.
(21) After he established the iron industry in France, he returned to Britain and lived until his death. (9)
And he lived until his death - what information does this phrase contain ?
This is an example for confused expression; perhaps you meant to say something substantial, such as "he lived there until his death".
As your expression appears sometimes confused, make it a habit to proofread your own text.
(22) These entrepreneurs include Townsend, a woolcomber who settled in Calais district, For all others, you give complete names; only in
this case, you give only a family name. Try find the complete name. District Calais.
(23) Job Dixon who was an English engineer who was one of the earliest machine builders in Alsace, and so on. (10) Job Dixon, an English engineer
who was ...
(24) IV.1.4 under this chapter title the reader expects to get a thorough overview over the Spread of the IR in France. Instead here
you summarize exclusively the impact of British entrepreneurs who by moving to France contributed to such spread.
Here you fail to fulfil the expectations to caused your reader to have (by formulating the chapter title). Better rephrase :
The Contribution of British Entrepreneurs and Engineers to the Spread of the IR in France. The same in similar chapters further down.
(25) Hannover. Here it would be helpful to know when; until 1866 Hannover was an independent kingdom named after itsa capital. Closely tied to
Britain (the UK was ruled by the Hannover Dynasty).
(26) William Thomas Mulvany was an Irish engineer who went to Ruhr, Germany
(a) The Ruhr is a river. He went to the Ruhr area in Prussia, Germany.
(b) If an Irishman reads your paper, he may feel insulted; Ireland is not part of Britain. I suggest you add a comment, in the text or in a
footnote, in which you make your case for including him here.
(27) He first started out as a chairman of a mining company but soon founded the Prussian Mining and Ironworks Company in 1866.
I am pretty sure the official name of the company was in German and you here refer to a translation. Language is one of the concessions
emigrating entrepreneurs had to make.
(28) or Barlow and Manby who founded Imperial Continental Gas Association in 1825. (15) The same as in (27)
(29) However, those who were British were pioneers of their fields but were late compared to those who went to France or the Low Countries.
If that is so, why, in your table of contents, does Germany come before the Low Countries ? I recommend the order France- Low Countries -
Germany - N Europe - CE Europe
(30) Although the Low Countries have smaller area compared to other continental Europe, to other regions of
(31) Many entrepreneurs chose the Low Countries, especially Belgium, because of the proximity.
There are more reasons : proximity of ore and coal mines; Wallonia being an area where proto-industrialization was advanced (many watermills,
metalworks) had skilled workers who could be retrained to work in mechanized industries. The Northern Netherlands did not have these
conditions and thus lagged behind in industrialization.
(32) James Finlayson is a Scottish engineer who spread industrial revolution to Northern Europe, especially Tampere, Finland.
Here you imply that the Industrial Revolution had not begun in all of Scandinavia prior to J Finlayson moving to Tampere. Rephrase.
(33) Finlayson imported many engineers from Britain and manufactured machines used in textile industry.
You don't import people unless they are slaves. He hired (or brought with him) many British engineers ..
(34) Later on, in 1828, instead of machines, he launched cotton mills. Later on, instead of just producing machines for the sale
to cotton mills, he established and ran his own cotton mills.
(35) Apart from Finlayson, there are no significant British entrepreneurs who were mentioned in the sources. Most of the entrepreneurs in Northern Europe are native. That is, in your limited search (disregarding any publications in Norwegian, Danish, Swedish and Finnish) you did not
find any. Rephrase, leave open the possibility that there was one or the other whom you did not stumble over : there seems not to have been ..
(36) Industrial revolution in Northern Europe was slightly slower than France or the Low Countries. than in France and ..
(37) your note number 19 appears twice. No note number should appear more than once.
(38) Swiss government persuaded two English entrepreneurs, John Heywood and James Longworth to settle in Switzerland. They assisted in setting up Machine Spinning Cotton Company in 1801. name of company - language; can you add the location of that company ?
(39) Second one is external motives which are motives which come from outside the entrepreneurs. redundant. The second group are external motives. I wonder if 'internal / external' here is the right choice of words; motives caused by the situation in Britain / external may be better.
For in your paper you write about British individuals, and internal might not be interpreted as pertaining to Britain.
(40) Unemployment was one significant cause for the immigration of British entrepreneurs. When Great Britain¡¯s industrialization was reaching maturity, there was not as much job opportunity for entrepreneurs. Entrepreneurs run their own businesses and therefore are not affected by unemployment.
when Britain's induustrialization was reaching maturity, competition among entrepreneurs was fierce, while markets abroad were not yet mechanized.
(41) Table : Low Countries : why O'Kelly after the Cockerills ? If O'Kelly is the first you found, why not move Low Countries first, France
second, Central Europe third, Northern Europe fourth and Germany last, based on the dates on the earliest migration of a British entrepreneur
(42) note number 21 appears twice
(43) Irish Discrimination may be misinterpreted as discrimination by the Irish; rephrase
(44) I love the second table and the conclusion you draw from it.
But in your analysis, you fail to exploit the 'raw diamond' you found : you begin with step 2 (foreign countries actively trying to attract British
entrepreneurs) instead of proceeding in chronological order - the British government alienating individual entrepreneurs so much that they decide to move their business elsewhere. Rearrange in chronological order.
(45) I do not understand why you include this conclusion. No content. Rather an abstract of your paper. Scrap or place on top of the paper as an abstract.
(46) Your analysis is phrased somewhat dull. You have found an original statement here, you can try polish your rough diamond.
(47) Your notes are too detailed. If you have both notes and bibliography/reference list, full titles are ONLY to be listed in the latter;
notes follow the pattern : author (family name only), year of publication, page.
(48) In case of Wikipedia articles, give URL of specific article, not of Wikipedia front page
(49) 10. Wikipedia. Web. 02 Sept. 2011. . not acceptable. List every article you used separately.
- Frequent omission of articles.
- Occasionally clumsy phrasing, which may lead to confusion
- multiple use of note numbers
- sometimes lacking or imprecise definitions
- could use chronological order more in its organization
- needs to explain why Irishmen are treated as Britons
+ This paper is concise, just as I want it.
+ You found a legitimate, excellent analytical statement
- You almost hide your alalytical statement.
- In your analysis you can differentiate between British political factors (persecution of the Irish, of Catholics)
and economic factors (competition, failure of patent protection ..)
For a student specializing in the natural sciences, this is an excellent piece of work, just requiring quite a bit of polishing.
Mar. 2nd 2011 .
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(1) IV.1-IV.6 I wonder about the order. A chronological order when industrialization made progress in this or that country
would make sense, and in such an order Russia would come last.
(2) Notes (plural)
(3) V, V.1.3, V.2.2 share one and the same title. This should be avoided.
Feb. 23th 2011 .
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(1) you have a title on the Netherlands in the reference list; but the Netherlands does not appear in your ToC.
(2) I thought we had talked about Austria. I also suspect cases in Sweden and Norway.
(3) apart from capitalization and singular/plural issues, otherwise okay.
Dec. 23th 2010 .
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